The Orgasm Gap: Why Female Masturbation is so important!

By Bryn Wolf 05/05/2023

We're not going to lie to you. There is a tragically low amount of studies on women's pleasure compared to men's pleasure. While you can find plenty of research on how to handle erectile dysfunction (E.D.), Peyronie's disease (P.D.) or premature ejaculation… you won't find nearly a tenth of that for women's waning libidos. Men have viagra, male enhancement pills, cock rings, penis pumps, and more! Contrary to popular belief, women have sexual desires throughout their entire life. Their libidos can be high, they can be not only orgasmic but multi-orgasmic. Yet why is it that 37% of women don't orgasm from heteronormative sex compared to only 3% of men? It's time to close that gap!

Here is what some of the studies have shown thus far:

Women are frequently more able to make themselves orgasm alone rather than with a male partner. A study shared by Psychology Today found that "39% of women said they always orgasm when they masturbate, compared to 6% during sex."

Men find it easier to orgasm compared to women. Durex funded a study that found that "20% of women said they don’t orgasm, compared to 2% of men". In that study, three out of four women said they can’t achieve orgasm during sex. While 30% of men said they thought the best way to help a woman orgasm is through penetrative sexual acts, more than half of women surveyed said that it was clitoral stimulation that made them orgasm.

In 1980, a new diagnosis of inhibited sexual desire was added to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and became the most prevalent sexual complaint of women in America.

Erectile dysfunction studies outnumber PMS research by at least 5 to 1. While not directly related to pleasure, it is absolutely pleasure-adjacent and it's very likely that the only reasons PMS studies were used as comparison is because comparing male pleasure studies to female pleasures studies would only work if there were enough female pleasure studies in existence.

The study of sexual arousal in women has been heavily skewed to physical fixes and often ignores that importance of the quality of sex being had. Canadian psychologist and sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz said, "If women are having dismal, disappointing, and lackluster sex…we will need to acknowledge that their low desire may be evidence of good judgment." In other words, low desire may be a natural response to bad sex. Unfortunately, repeated accounts of bad sex lead to even lower libido and sexual desire for future sex.

Many researchers have attributed the orgasm gap to a number of things. First, and most importantly is understanding female anatomy. Both men and women struggle to label anatomy correctly. From a recent study done in the UK in 2022, "45% of women could not identify the vagina. 55% did not know where the urethra is. 43% could not locate the labia." Previous statistics from America show a survey done on OnePoll where "An estimated ¼ of US women don’t know where their vagina is" and "only one in 10 women passed the anatomy quiz". Somehow, we've created an educational system that completely leaves out comprehensive female anatomy lessons. If women don't know their own body, and men also don't know their body, no wonder we're in trouble when it comes to pleasure!

What We're Up Against:

Historically, women are taught to be on guard when it comes to sexuality and desire. They're taught that they need to preserve their innocence rather than express desire, that being a slut is bad, that sex leads to pregnancy and thus pain and responsibility for others, and that men will rape, assault or use them. Even if they eventually end up living as a sexually liberated woman, the cultural conditioning from childhood is difficult to escape. Abstinence-only education made it so that they were ignorant about their own body. Religious or social pressure created a stigma about sexual exploration to the point that many women (and men) felt shame and guilt which kept them from open discussions about pleasure. Sex often doesn't feel safe, either. At least 1 out of every 5 women have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime. So in order to truly feel free in the bedroom, you also have to work on feeling safe first.

Libido changes over time for both men and women. If a woman has a baby, grows older, or has a regularly stressful occupation, her hormones take a toll and those hormones are what help regulate sexual desire and keep a healthy libido. Changes in estrogen, progesterone and testosterone can dramatically change her ability to 'get there'. Women also have fluctuation of these hormones every month as they go through their cycle. For at least two weeks out of the month they will have less natural lubrication and may benefit from adding a body-safe lube into the mix. It may require much more time and foreplay to help her reach orgasm. Some studies have said that, especially for women who experience pain during sex, at least 20 minutes of foreplay is recommended!

Women routinely consent to penetrative sex before they're actually ready. It's been treated as the main event for so long that most heteronormative people think that sex is defined as penetration. In reality, sex begins the moment you engage with yourself or your partner in a sexually arousing and pleasing act. Foreplay is a part of sex and so is sensual cuddling afterward. But asking for something else or for more time spent on foreplay is difficult for most women. Many women don't believe they can deny their male partner penetrative sex at all, even if it's painful. Despite the fact that most people spend a lot of time getting really turned on with foreplay before 'losing their virginity', they rush into penetrative sex and ignore everything else. The power dynamic is weighted towards the masculine counterpart having power, taking, dominating (even if they aren't actively doing so). The feminine model is to be receptive, yet asking for what they want has made many women feel uncomfortable, embarrassed or even selfish. They've been programmed to take care of everyone else's needs from a young age. Why would they so swiftly be able to change as soon as you bring them to bed?

Monotony in long term relationships and marriage also takes a toll on arousal. If variety is the spice of life, there are many long term relationships that become unseasoned and flavorless due to a lack of novelty. A staggering amount of heterosexual, monogamous, married couples have found that their sex life changes after getting married. Whether it's due to having children, social pressures, falling into a pattern, or what Esther Perel refers to as the Mother Mary vs Madonna complex where some husbands no longer see their wives as sexual beings once they take on the role of mother. While hormonal changes and mental health should be taken into account as well, it's a good idea to start by looking at where you both can try new things together or separately

How do we close the pleasure gap?

First, let's start by focusing on the women. After all, that's where the gap exists. As mentioned before, the more bad sex that women have, the less likely they will have any arousal around trying it again. One way to help change this is to remind them of just how delicious sex can be... alone.

When people stop masturbating, maybe due to being busy with the kids, defaulting to marital sex rather than self-pleasure, or just falling out of the habit because there's no down-time or privacy, they often end up losing some sense of their own pleasure and no longer are aware of their own body and the changes it's going through. Masturbation and self-pleasure help give you a pleasure map of what feels good. When you know your pleasure map, you can tell your partner where, what and how to touch. Consider giving yourself and your partner time alone where one of you gets a chance to put work, kids, your job and even your marriage away for an hour or so, and focus on yourself and your pleasure. Using toys can be a great way to explore new sensations, but using your hand can also be a great way to start. Make sure you both get a chance and then see what happens when you come to bed together again! At the very least, your partner might come back feeling refreshed and full of endorphins from finally getting some needed alone time.

It's not just about physical stimulation. Mental and emotional stimulation is just as important to women's arousal as knowing where the clitoris is and how to touch them. Ask them if they want romance, mood lighting and ambience, a scene or roleplay. Take time to ask about their day, and if you struggle to know the right questions, use relationship quizzes, couple's relationship cards, or try a new experience together that helps you bond. Exploring new things might involve getting new sex toys and vibrators! There are so many new toys that specifically cater to female pleasure. But if you're embarrassed to get it in person, you can order it discreetly online. You may have to go through a few different styles before finding the one that changes the game forever!